Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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