3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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