Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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