Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
There are leaves in my underwear?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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