Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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