i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
