I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
