I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
