u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
