Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
