I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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