It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
