I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
