I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just found puke in my bra..
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
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Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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