oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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