Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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