I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
We had sex on a dog bed..
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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