Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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