ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
