Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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