I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
