I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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