I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
