i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
