How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
