I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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