When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
