...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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