end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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