you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
