My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
