Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
