Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
