there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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