Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
