batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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