Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
