In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
