Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
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Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
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Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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