The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
