high people should be assigned attendants
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
