I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
