hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
