Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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