Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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