I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
