dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
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I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.