she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
