yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.