her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.