You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
