at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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