my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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