I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
