I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
