I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
