I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
