farters have to be the big spoon...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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