I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
