I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My cat gives me a boner
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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