Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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